What does grief mean?
12 Aspects of Grief to Understand as You Go Through Your Journey
You know by nature that grief is a common human experience. But what does grief exactly mean? How do we understand grief?
Almost everyone has probably seen someone drop a soda bottle. The contents would then “explode.”
In a similar way, you've likely experienced emotions rising inside like bubbles in a shaken soda bottle during times of loss in your life. In other words, such circumstances cause a lot of inner turmoil or “stir you up.”
You might outwardly express sadness, anger, and guilt, among other emotions, which can get pretty intense. You then question whether such feelings are normal.
What is Grief?
Let’s get back to the question, “what does grief mean?"
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines grief as, deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement…also, trouble, annoyance.
Some might have questions that are more specific and extended like…
• Does grief mean I am not normal?
• Does grief mean I have no faith?
• Does grief mean that I am out of control in my emotions?
• Does grief mean I am not or can’t be happy?
• Does grief mean I am stuck and can’t move forward?
On this page, my goal is to focus on the nature of grief and what its various facets mean in our life journeys.
I hope the following Scripture-based explanations of the nature of grief will give you clarity on how to approach the experience. The goal is also to encourage you and make it clear to you that your faith is not failing...
DOES GRIEF MEAN I'M NOT NORMAL?
1. Grief is universal.
2. Grief normally includes a wide range and mixed bag of emotions.
I've facilitated GriefShare support groups for several years now. I handed out workbooks for reflection and that go along with the video presentations. In the workbook is the image of a tangled ball describing the nature of a person's emotional experience.
Ever feel like that?
You might ask, "what is grief?" because well, feelings are rather complicated. In grief, specifically, you can feel sad and happy at the same time. You can express anger at certain moments but then feel a peace.
Once again, we can turn to the Psalms for encouragement and assurance regarding mixed emotional experiences. Note how the Psalmist expresses a great deal of sadness, but then in the same Psalm clearly switches to joy and peace…
Verses 1 and 2 of Psalm 22 starts out with a cry…
"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.”
Verse 22 says, “I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.”
3. No one should place a time limit on grief.
Have you ever heard someone say to you, "You should be over that by now." Or..."It's been five years. Don't you think it's time to move on."
The reality is, a person can continue to grieve for years and even the rest of his/her life.
One of the members of my GriefShare support group experienced the death of both her husband and father eight years ago. She did not attend a grief support group up until this year. Every person is different in the time it takes to process through grief.
A verse that seems to covers a lot of ground regarding losses in life is found in Psalm 73:26:
"My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."
The following explanation from one of the commentaries on this verse basically explains that our source of true joy is not in the temporary aspects of earthly life…
“And my portion for ever - The source of my happiness. Not wealth, then; not honor; not earthly friends; not fame - will be my reliance and the ground of my hope; but that which I shall regard as most valuable - my supreme joy and rejoicing - will be the fact that God is my friend and portion” (Barnes’ notes on the Bible).
4. Everyone grieves in their own way.
"What does grief mean for me, personally?" you might ask.
It may sound cliche, but everyone is different. Each person has a unique set of personality traits as well as circumstances.
As you seek to understand better the meaning of grief, it's best not to focus on how someone else is managing. reflect on your strengths and unique gifts as a person to move forward in a healthy manner.
What might seem right for someone else might not be best for you.
Regarding our uniqueness in God’s eyes, Psalm 139 describes this truth in profound ways. In the very personal language of the psalm, the author affirms,
"Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
All the days ordained “for me” implies days that are not ordained for someone else.
5. Even Jesus experienced emotion and grief.
Regarding the "what is grief" question, it's not synonymous with sin. Jesus, who did not do any wrong, entered into the world of human pain, suffering, and death. He knows what it's like to feel grief. Jesus expressed emotion. John 11:35 says, "Jesus wept." The fact that the Son of God grieved, should tell us about the normalcy of similar human experiences.
6. Grief does not mean a lack of faith.
What does grief mean in connection with our faith?
Imagine how upsetting it can be to talk to someone who tells you that because you are grieving, you don't have enough faith!
Look at the life of Job. He had so much to grieve about. Yet he says this…
Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him…”
I believe God loves me. I know He provides and will take care of me. Yet, if I face a difficult situation, negative feelings rise to the surface because well, I'm human. In the event I go through a death in my family, of course I would grieve.
Such an experience doesn't weaken my faith. Job lost several family members at once. He expressed sadness and other related emotions. I would do the same. Why? That brings me to my next point...
7. Grief is a sign of love.
What does grief mean when someone you love passes away?
A classic GriefShare video clip encourages those whose loved one died: "Grief is the price you pay for loving someone. If there was no grief, there would be no love."
If a person has no love or just doesn't care, it would be hard for him or her to grieve.
After the death of His cousin, John the Baptist (Matthew 14:13-17) “When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.”
Jesus, who is a model for us as divine and sinless but still human, needed to get away to be alone following the death of John the Baptist.
It's appropriate at this juncture to share the link to GriefShare, which has a collection of helpful resources in connection with support groups.
GriefShare - Grief Recovery Support Groups - GriefShare
8. Opportunities exist for people to grieve in healthy ways.
The idea of healing from grief, at least when it comes to the death of a loved one, is a bit misleading. It's certainly possible to go on grieving the rest of your life.
However, one should seek healing from the wrong ways of coping with a loss. One encouragement from Scripture is Psalm 55:22:
“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
Notice that the Bible doesn’t rebuke us for the burdens or deny that they exist but rather instructs us to turn those burdens over to God, which is the healthy route in such a journey.
What does grief mean in terms of your health?
Although a person might not be "healed" from grief in the sense that it completely goes away, you can stay healthy in the midst of your circumstances. In other words, you can seek holistic ways to cope.
Healthy ideas include...
• Making sure you get plenty of physical rest, consume nutrients, stay hydrated, and exercise daily.
• Spending quiet time with the Lord meditating on His Word
• Spending time with others in a grief support setting
• Attending to responsibilities and daily to-do lists BUT giving yourself grace--not being too hard on yourself. If you need to put off something to tomorrow, hold off on it.
9. A combination of solitude and personal interactions allow for a healthy balance in grief.
The answer to the question, "What does grief mean?" includes both the need to get away and spend time with others.
I'm the type of person who needs space from time to time. However, just like it would be unhealthy for me as an introvert to be constantly drawing energy from hanging out in crowds, so it's not a good idea to spend all my time alone.
Reading over the life of Christ in the Gospels, you’ll see how Jesus spent a great deal of time ministering to others but also sought times of solitude to pray. Note the following references…
When you're grieving, give yourself the space to process everything that has happened. You also benefit from taking the time to release your burdens to the Lord. However, taking care of yourself in that way shouldn't stop there. Reach out to others for support. Strive for balance.
10. Many people mean well when responding to your grief but may use a poor choice of words.
What does grief mean in our interactions with others?
I've been there.
You know...times I would talk to someone whose family member just died and then not knowing what to say. I recall times in my life when words didn't come out the greatest as I was looking to comfort those who were hurting.
For the most part, the people you talk to are likely not grief counselors or experts.
Knowing that most people mean well should help you avoid getting defensive and instead show patience.
Jesus demonstrated forgiveness for people by saying these words…
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34-35). The people Jesus was dealing with were His enemies, and they were doing something far worse than we experience ourselves when talking to someone about our grief.
11. Although your grief might linger or continue indefinitely, you can move forward.
When thinking about the question, "what does grief mean?" the word "stuck" might come to mind. Even though you may continue to grieve, you don't have to get or stay stuck.
What stood out to me most in the GriefShare video series was the difference between moving on and moving forward.
Your goal should not entail moving on from loved ones as if to forget about them. However, you should want to move forward with life, while "taking the person with you" in a sense.
One of the ways we can move forward is with the encouragement from Scripture that we will see that person again in the presence of the Lord.
Revelation 21:4 says…
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
Keep moving forward “with that person” in a sense. I don’t mean talking to the dead, which the Bible warns about. However, we can carry those memories forward.
I like to keep cards and letters—written materials from deceased loved ones. While holding on to the love we have for the person who died, Revelation 21:4 encourages to look forward to the time when everything will be restored after Jesus returns.
12. Suicide is never the answer.
What does grief mean in terms of continuing to live? Does it mean there is no hope?
In extreme cases, the depression gets so bad that the person actively plans to commit suicide. If you seriously contemplate taking your life, you need to reach out for help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK.
From a Scriptural standpoint, the encouragement to continue living our lives even in the midst of tough times is found in passages like Psalm 139, which shows how special we are to God:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you (NIV)."
Consider the following passage as well.
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee (Jeremiah 1:5).
Once again, the above is not an exhaustive list of Scriptures that apply to these 10 points, but rather this page provides a basic overview.
Conclusion on the Meaning of Grief
Going forward, with the above and other grief-related Scriptures in mind, strive for that emotional balance with a willingness to face and accept grief and approach the experience properly. While grieving, we can still move forward with the strength God provides.
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The following page on this website delves more into a common question:
If you're wondering whether your grief is normal, check out : Feelings of Grief and Loss